I Used to Be Good on a Balance Beam

I've always said that I don't like people of fickle personality. We've all had friends and family members who seem to be one person with this group...and someone entirely different with another one. It can be such a dissapointment when someone you digg repulses you when the company changes. There's a fakeness....a lack of integrity....an absence of self-assuredness about it that makes me unreasonably angry.

Much to my horror, I've realized that I'm not nearly as consistent as I like to think I am. A part of me is exactly what I spend so much energy on hating. I don't think that anyone would ever be able to say that I'm a "different person" in different situations...it's mostly something that I observe in myself.

In every relationship (not just the "romantic") exists a dynamic of leadership and authority. More often than not, one of the pair "wears the pants". What is it that determines who takes that role? It has way more to do with just individual personalities...maybe it's the combined emotional chemistry in two people that controls it without our knowledge. I say this because my role varies in each relationship. In some relationships, I'm strong, opinionated, and bold. In others, I'm soft, accomodating, and willing to sit in the passenger seat...so to speak. This has become more apparent recently. Or maybe I'm just chewing on the concept more than I used to.

Upon first thought, I wouldn't think that this is such a bad thing. What does it really matter which seat I sit in throughout a relationship? And, besides....people usually end up taking turns at the wheel in cycles. What's dangerous is when I decide that I'm comfortable not driving. Sometimes it's easier just to stare out the window and ignore where a relationship is headed. But, inevitably, my needs end up being ignored and, sooner or later, the driver forgets that I'm even in the car. I don't get a say in what music is played, I get cold, and bathroom breaks become infrequent...leaving me to cross my legs in pain for hours on end.

Okay....enough of the car metaphor.

I've recently become so wounded by loss of control that I'm extremely hesitant to let others hold power in any way, shape, or form. I'll notice suddenly that I've turned into an uncompromising bitch....and I push people away before they see what's happening. I've done it more than I like to admit, and I'm sure I've caused some hurt in the process (in more than one realm). Of course, Allison, the healthy thing to do is to BALANCE yourself between dominance and submission, but I usually find myself exisiting in one extreme or the other. So...sadly...NOBODY gets the best of me; me in my WHOLE self. Neither version is the way I want to be seen.

I'm still here, though; somewhere in the middle.