Fear # 32

I've always been very dependent on relationships. People are important to me. My friendships act as the thermostat that regulates everything else in my world. This fact about me has often made me question my strength and my morality. Is my reliance....No, my NEED for others a weakness and a sin? Deep down I believe that the answer to that question is "no". I think we were all created to need relationship. Nobody is meant to be alone. If we were, then why would we all crave the company and the nuturing of people that love us?

It was during a conversation I had today that I was able to vocalize something that has been sitting in the back of my throat for a while. I haven't stopped relying on my friends. On a daily basis I talk to at least one person who loves me. It's a necessity I allow myself to indulge. But most of the people I talk to are not here with me. As it would be with most people, this occassionally leads me to the ever-so-familiar valley of loneliness that all of us have traveled through. But more than that....the sensation that's stronger is that I feel unknown.

It's amazing how much of what we see in ourselves is actually just a reflection of who we are in the eyes of others. The reflection that I have (subconsciously) grown so accustomed to seeing over the years has become very cloudy here. In fact, I can barely make it out at all anymore. There are people here that love me; but I just don't think I'm SEEN the way I used to be. (The people I spend eight hours a day with, for example, have no clue who I am. Sometimes people decide to see us a certain way, and there's nothing we can do to change that.)

As crazy as it sounds, I'm afraid that I'm disappearing. If no one really sees you....really KNOWS you....can that actually happen? I'm losing my ability to see myself; I'm forgetting what the reflection used to look like. The solution is one of two things: either I need new glasses or a cleaner mirror.