An Obituary for Part of My Soul

I think it's pretty safe for me to say that, up to this point, many people in my life would refer to me as someone who "follows her heart". I've even referred to myself in such cheesy terminology. Those of you who don't know me may have read my sentimental entries about how I've traveled and met interesting people and experienced new things all because I've been brave enough to do so.....yada yada yada. Yes, I think there is something to be said of all that so-called bravery. But sitting here, nearly on the brink of my 26th birthday, I've come to wonder what exactly was so brave about it all.

Bravery only shows itself when circumstances demand it. Nobody claims to be brave when things are peachy. Peachiness just doesn't require anything so noble. In my life, a lot of the circumstances that have birthed the need of a brave attitude have been created by my own decisions. Some would call these "decisions", "mistakes", but for philosophical reasons, I'll refrain. My heart has proved itself to be fairly unreliable as an advisor. Like a drooling puppy, I've followed it into some very treacherous places, both geographical and otherwise. At times, I've followed so blindly, in fact, that I've completely abandoned all other sources of logic in the process. Some of these travels have led me to incredible scenic lookouts. Even the ones that have led me elsewhere I've come to terms with, because, as I've made clear in my writings, I believe every experience has its purpose. The methods of the past have gotten me this far. They've worked as well as they could have. But, at this point, I'm still not where I want to be.

Webster defines bravery as "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty". Based on this definition, one could apply it to various aspects of one's life. I, personally, have applied it in many ways over the years. Typically, it has been used in congruence with the concept of "following my heart". It seems very traditional and poetic to link the two together. But I'm now venturing to apply "bravery" with practicality. Doesn't sound as romantic, does it?

Since thinking with my heart hasn't yet led me to where I thought it would by now, I'm going to (try) and let that part of myself die. Don't let the sounds of this depress you!!! This is not a death to be mourned. Maybe I shouldn't even call it a "death". It's more of a.......a transformation. I don't want the part of me that rushes after rosy-tinted ideals and what I "FEEL" is best to be totally buried. As a close friend recently reminded me....that's part of what makes me who I am. So my mental project is going to be one that meshes that softness with the sturdiness of what's practical. Don't ask me the details of how I'm going to accomplish this, and don't ask me to define what I mean by "practical". I'm still working that over, and I think it will vary with particular situations.

Its practicality that seems to demand the most bravery (to me) right now. When I think about the people in my life whom I most admire....people who have what I want to have....they've all made safe, logical, mature decisions that have led them to their current circumstances. Unfairly, I've secretly judged them for that in the past. I've convinced myself over and over that "my" way of living life was so much more life-like. But perhaps I was never being brave by doing things differently. Maybe I've simply been too scared to commit to anything.

Stay tuned to see what all this is going to look like. I'm actually curious myself.