I'm currently experiencing something new. Actually, I've been experiencing lots of somethings new lately....new emotions, new fears, new doubts, new hurts, new challenges.....
But, this particular something new is more of a revelation, I suppose. I'm a little bit betwixted about it. Bewildered. Confused. Muddled. Perturbed, even. I can't seem to wrap my brain around this. Having just relocated, my social life has drastically changed; as has almost every other aspect of my life. In the (almost) three years I lived in Dallas, I made many, many friends. I also was lucky enough to recreate and strengthen friendships from my past. Close ones. True ones. Some of them belonging to a caliber of relationship that I was previously ignorant to. I've been more thankful of this than I can possibly express. These people have nurtured me, loved me, accepted me, held me accountable, made me laugh, pissed me off, partied with me, and struggled with me. I'm not saying that all all of my confidants are in Dallas...God was spread them out all over (my new location included). When you're in the midst of good relationships, surrounded by folks you enjoy and respect, it's easy to forget that not EVERYONE is like them. But, if everyone was, then what would be so special about them, anyway??
Socially....I think I'm pretty damn good. I've always made friends easily. Historically, I've adapted quickly and efficiently to lots of different types of people/groups. And, I LOVE meeting new people....expanding my relationship base. But recently I've felt like a 13 year old again (sing it loud, Alannis). Because I haven't met many new people on my own, I've been attempting to mesh myself with the friends of friends...just for the sake of being social. I do it, and I put on a face as best I can. But it just feels so awkward. Or, more honestly, I feel awkward. At first, I was kinda hard on myself about this. It initially felt like rejection. What I've decided is that it IS about rejection, but I'm the one who's doing the rejecting.
I've said this before, and I'll say it many more times: I'm too old for playmates. In my "adult" life, such as it is, I simply do not have the time or the desire to devote any portion of my schedule or being to anyone who is not going to enrich my life. And I'm not going to give you a second thought if you don't want the same from me. I no longer (thank GOD!!) feel the need to impress you or sell myself. I refuse to immesh myself in a continual, self-recyled scene of "How many guys can I get to like me?" I want to know you and to be known, and that process involves more than just discussing our dating lives. I want our conversations to begin with phrases other than "Guess who text-messaged me last night?" I would prefer NOT to regress to 11th grade behavior in every social situation.
Is all this too much to ask? If it is, then I suppose I'm destined to be lonely. The part that confuses me is that I'm a little suprised that so many people over the age of 21 seem so content residing in their high school mentalities. It amazes me. And why have some of the very people you were actually IN high school with still there while others have moved on? For those of you in my life who have, indeed, moved on and grown up (and you know who you are)....I applaud you. Let's grow old together.
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Yes, lets. In rocking chairs on porches, complaining about the rude kids and drinking iced tea that's too cold and hurts our gums.
We'll get to know all the birds that eat at our feeder by name and discuss possible relationships between them all. "I think Barry and Matilda may have a thing, how 'bout you? You can really tell, the way she pecks at his wing and cocks her head that way."
And then when our respective grandkids come over, we'll tell them all about our bird friends and when they aren't equally enthralled, we'll lament the youth of today and remember how it was when we were young...only we'll remember it awesome and completely unrealistically. Because what else is your youth for if not to remember it in complete denial?
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