Here's to Breathing

A lot can happen in a year. The past year has been rife with unexpected turns along the path of this; my journey. A lot has happened, yes. Much has changed. I've changed. Actually, I've changed more than once and in more than one way. Lots of changes.

I was explaining to an old friend (to whom I hadn't spoken in many many months) this morning how the transition in moving here proved itself to be a challenging one. Challenging is a G-rated term, considering. If you've visited my site before, then you may have read through some of what the past 14 months has supplied to me. To be honest, I've expressed my various impediments through mostly indirect stories and illogical thought patterns. But maybe you've caught on despite that. Anyway, the good news is that the discomfort of my minor and major tribulations has led to...something else. I don't know yet what this "something else" is exactly, but I feel better right now than I have in over two years.

Now, when times of "something else" come about, it's usually difficult to pinpoint the reason(s) for it. This, of course, is due to the process of overcoming. A coworker of mine is a fan of gospel music, and he frequently plays it loudly in his office. There's one song in particular that he must like a lot because several times he has set it on "repeat" for hours at a time. "This too shall pass" is the phrase that the song iterates over and over. I've never found extreme comfort in that phrase...even though I believe the truth it speaks. (Sometimes when things suck, they just suck...and knowing that they won't suck forever doesn't always help.) But, what inevitably happens is that we keep an eye out for "the passing" and we aren't always aware of the process around us and with us and IN us that is leading us there. Suddenly we poke our heads up for a breath of fresh air and find that there is plenty of air to breathe, after all; that the dungeoness tunnel we've been spooning out for so long has finally taken us to the other side.

So, while I'm certainly aware of what has transpired to lead me where I am, I can't specifically credit any one factor with my current healthy state. In my ongoing analyzation of why the past year went the way it did, the word "fear" has consistently come to mind. I unintentionally allowed myself to be covered with fear. I felt it in many ways. Fear of loss was the big one (loss of relationships, loss of pride, loss of physical belongings, loss of safety, loss of comfort, etc.). Fear of being alone. Fear of failure. Fear of lost independence. Fear of too much of it. Fear of monetary shortcomings. Fear of ineffectiveness. Fear of the condition of the world. Fear of insignificance. Fear of poor health (of myself and loved ones). Fear of God punishing me for any and every imperfect move I made ( speaking of unhealthy...).

Most of my fears didn't render me immobile, but they definitely made me miserable. They definitely robbed me of sleep and of joy and of full life. (My first few months here I will forever consider lost time. I was dead for a while, and I'll never get that time back.) While I was aware of how fear was holding me captive, I couldn't figure out how to break free of it. I worked month after month to restore fortitude in my being. I made some rattalingly difficult decisions as I went. It often seemed that my efforts were getting me nowhere. But then, before I knew what was happening, the fears dissolved. All of them. It was just like that sudden breath of fresh air...it came into my lungs almost as quickly as it had been knocked out.

I've been breathing nonlaborously now for about 2 months, and I'm deliriously thankful for the fresh air. I know full well that I am not here due to my efforts alone, but my faith in myself has been restored nonetheless. Sometimes losing THAT is the thing we should fear the most.