Due to the events of a recent night out, I have decided to offer a service to my male readers. This service will benefit not only you, but any girl you may come in contact with from here on out. Hopefully, eventually, my aid will spread wide and eventually benefit me, also. I'm paying it forward, so to speak. It could literally impact the life of every person in the country. Or just everyone in the Southeast. Or maybe just all single people in Coppell, Texas. In any case, it will help someone.
There seems to be a disturbingly high number of creepy guys walking the streets. This isn't news to any girl. We all know it to be a sad, disappointing fact of life. The limits to where we encounter them is non-existent. They're kinda like roaches. Sure, we expect them in gross places like skanky bars and gas stations and under fallen trees in woodsy areas; but that's not the end of it. We've also learned to keep watch at the library, at our cousin's birthday parties, at the dentist's office, and even at church. Especially at church. It's a never ending battle for us.... developing the skills to spot them quickly and squash them before they crawl all over our sandwiches.
What has occurred to me many times is the possibility that some guys are truly oblivious to their creepiness. Poor social skills, low self-esteem, chemical imbalances.....there could be lots of contributing factors. But the reality is, fellas, that ignorance is no excuse. If you're creepy, not many girls are gonna stop and try to figure out why. She's gonna run like hell and take her friends with her. You aren't gonna be given the benefit of the doubt (unless the girl is creepy herself, and we just don't have time to cover all that).
Now boys, don't panic. I know that some of you are frantically wondering right now if YOU could possibly be a creepy guy.....one of the many who are blinded by their crooked delusions of self-smoothness. First off, if you're a friend of mine, you probably are not one. If you are, I just haven't seen you in action. But, for the rest of you, I'm going to cover some of the basics of male creepiness. This will be only the first installment of tips because there are way too many to cover in one day. I do have a job, after all. So, keep in mind that you can' t just run through today's list and think you're good to go if you haven't checked anything off. Don't get over confidant. This is just a re-telling of one creepy guy's creepiness-ish-ism. We're only hitting the tip of the ice berg. Oh, and if you need counseling or advice in this area, feel free to email me. I'd be happy to help. It's the least I can do.
You're probably a creepy guy if:
1. your initial pick-up line is one that tells a girl she looks "just like that girl from Friends".....
2. you consistently stare at a girl's chest even though she has given you no indication that she wants or enjoys you doing so.....
3. you offer to buy a girl a drink, she says "Nope, I'm good.", and then immediately accepts one from someone else.....
4. you think that bragging/elaborating/flat-out lying (whatever the case may be) that Britney Spears was your first kiss will impress ANY girl (even though it "REALLY, SERIOUSLY" makes sense because your grandmammy lives in Kentwood, LA) ......
5. you step on the heel of a girl's shoe while she's walking with her friends so that she'll have to stop and bend over to fix it; and her friends keep walking; and you grope her once she is out of their eyeshot; and you then proceed to tell her that's, indeed, why you stepped on her shoe in the first place.......
6. a girl has to ask her male friends to "guard" her so that you'll stay away.....
7. the second you initiate dancing with a girl, she eagerly allows herself to be pulled into a dance by another guy, and purposely doesn't look back to offer you an apologetic shrug of the shoulders....
8. you stalk a girl with unstable, crazy-dazed, fixated eyes on the dance floor while she doesn't dance with you.....
9. you attempt to handle "the situation" with the bouncer to impress the group you've tagged along with, but succeed only in displaying your ineffectiveness.....
10. you smell like cheese.....
If you do all of these things on the same night to the same girl, then you are exceedingly creepy. You are beyond help. Do NOT email me for advice.
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Did he really REALLY say that about Britney Spears? And then KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT by explaining how plausible it is?? What a mistake. What a hugely tragic mistake. Not that he was doing well as it was, but man.
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