The Heaviest Load

I've always had some difficulty with balancing the concepts of predestination and free will. I'm not speaking in terms of spirituality and eternity here; I'm content with my beliefs/understanding in that realm. It's the weight of day to day decisions that seem so immensely heavy at times.

Did you ever read those Choose Your Own Adventure books when you were a kid? It would just blow my mind how one little decision on the part of the reader could change the whole story around. I would feel SO pressured to make the best choice so that I wouldn't end up plummeting over a waterfall or having my lunch eaten by a polar bear (or face some other fate equally as devastating). And no matter which ending I reached, I would always go back and read the other ones to see how it COULD have been different. Oh, and in some books, all of the various choices brought the story to the SAME ending. How crazy was that? The premise seemed genius to me. "Wow! The people who write these books must be REAL smart to come up with this stuff."

Of course, at the time, it was beyond my experience to realize how true to life the books were. We all make decisions on a daily basis that may/may not change our futures or the futures of others. It's not even the momentous details that sometimes end up carrying the most significance. We've all heard tales of inconsiderable trivialities that unexpectedly change lives. Obsession can manifest itself quite easily if you sit and allow yourself to analyze all the little things. "What if I wear the spiked heels today, and when I'm walking out of Starbucks with my latte, I trip and spill it over the woman walking by, so she has to rush home to change clothes before work, and in her hurried state, she gets in a wreck and kills me and 3 other people?" The impossibility of preventing events doesn't need to be elaborated on. It's just, well...impossible.

I can recall a handful of conversations I've had with friends in which we disected the "what ifs" of the past....how our lives could be completely disparate if we had done something differently at some point. Songs have been sung about it. Literature and movies have examined this phenomenon over and over. (Sliding Doors, Groundhog Day, The Butterfly Effect.....I guess I'm not well read enough to think of any literary examples off hand...but I know they're out there! ) I often wonder where I'd be and what I'd be doing if I had: taken the opportunity to move to Florida with family members when I was 12; gotten pregnant in high school; gone to a different college; or married the first guy that I really thought was "the one"........ A abyss of swirling alternate paths storming in my brain.....

This is all part of what makes life so exciting; so very much worth living. At times, it really blows my skirt up to imagine what lies ahead for me. Passion, children, a significant career, traveling the Mediterranean, enjoying new flavors from Ben and Jerry's.... who knows? That's the part I like. Believing that it's all been laid out for me, and all I have to do is fall into it....that's the good stuff. Not knowing what MY part is in my destiny is what stresses me out.

Is there only one life destination...one "Adventure" that will make me happy? Are all other scenarios going to leave me wanting? Who will be affected by my decisions? I get so bogged down with thoughts like these!! My biggest comfort is to lean on faith when I get overwhelmed. (I honestly don't know how anyone makes a decision about anything without relying on faith.) I trust that if I make choices prayerfully, rationally, responsibly, and with the right intentions, then things will be fine; that my purpose will be fulfilled no matter where or with whom it occurs. I REALLY do believe that. And yet, I allow myself to feel paralyzed by worry and hesitation.

When I dig deep down to the bottom of it, my fear is that following the path of one decision will prohibit me from experiencing what the other path would have led me to. And what if the alternate experience is the better one? What will I be missing out on? I guess it doesn't really matter. What I should focus on is what IS, not what COULD HAVE BEEN. Whatever I face, it will be what was intended all along.

There's a quote I like that is applicable. It goes something like this: Living is determined not so much by what life brings your way as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by how you choose to see what happens.